I know what I want. So why do I keep asking everyone else?

Imagine you’ve decided to paint your living room green.

You’ve been thinking about it for a while. You’ve looked at different shades, saved a few pictures, and finally found one you really like. You can picture how it will look, and you’re quite excited about it.

Then you send a photo of the colour to a friend. They reply, “Oh, I think that’s a bit dark. Have you thought about something lighter?”And suddenly, you’re not so sure. You look at the colour again. Maybe they’re right. Maybe it will make the room look smaller. Perhaps you should look at a few more options.

Before you know it, you’re back on Pinterest, looking at colours you’d already ruled out. And the funny thing is, you liked the green in the first place. Nobody had to convince you. You just liked it.

So why did one comment make you question it? And it’s only paint. But what if it isn’t just about paint?

When someone else has a different opinion

Maybe you recognise this in other parts of your life, too.

You make a decision, but then you need to run it past someone. You want to know what they think before you feel comfortable going ahead.

You might ask your partner, your friend, your mum, or someone you trust. Sometimes you ask more than one person because the first answer doesn’t quite settle it. And even when someone agrees with you, you might still wonder whether they’re just telling you what you want to hear.

You want reassurance, but somehow it doesn’t last very long.

Then someone disagrees with you, and their opinion seems to be more important than your own.

You start thinking about what they said. You go over it in your head. You question whether you’ve missed something or made the wrong choice.

And the thing you felt quite sure about a few hours ago suddenly feels like a decision you can’t make.

It can be exhausting, can't it?

Especially when you find yourself doing it with things that matter to you. The job you want to leave. The relationship you’re unsure about. The plans you want to make. Even saying no to something you really don’t want to do.

You might know what you want, but knowing doesn’t always mean you feel able to trust it.

What if I make the wrong decision?

I think this is part of what makes it so difficult.

It’s not necessarily that you don’t know what you want. Sometimes you do know. You just can’t seem to feel settled about your decision.

What if you get it wrong? What if you regret it? What if someone else can see something you can’t?

So you keep thinking about it. You ask for another opinion. You look for more information, hoping that eventually you’ll feel sure enough to go ahead.

But what happens when that feeling of certainty never comes?

You can spend so much time trying to make the right decision that you end up feeling stuck. And even when you finally decide, you might still wonder whether you should have done something different.

You might even blame yourself for not being able to make up your mind.

But how are you supposed to feel confident in a decision when you keep looking for reasons not to trust it?

When did I start doubting myself so much?

I wonder whether you’ve always been like this, or whether something has changed along the way.

Perhaps you’ve been criticised for your choices before. Maybe you’ve been made to feel that you’re too sensitive, that you’re overreacting, or that you don’t know what’s best for yourself.

Maybe keeping other people happy has felt more important than saying what you really think. Or perhaps you’ve become so used to asking what everyone else wants that you don’t give yourself much time to work out what you want.

Whatever the reason, it can become a habit.

You check with other people before making a decision. You explain yourself when you say no. You worry about disappointing someone, even when you know you’re doing what feels right for you.

And sometimes, you might not even realise you’re doing it.

You just know that making a decision feels harder than it should.

What if I trusted myself, even when I wasn't completely sure?

Going back to the green paint, imagine you liked the colour, your friend didn't, and you decided to go ahead anyway. Not because your friend was wrong. Not because you needed to prove anything. But because it was your living room, and you were the one who wanted to live with that colour.

You might still have a moment of doubt. You might wonder whether you’ve made the right choice. But maybe you don't need to change your mind every time that happens. And maybe you don't need everyone to agree with you before you can make a decision.

Of course, there are times when it’s useful to hear another person's perspective. We all need other people, and sometimes they notice things we haven't considered.

But there’s a difference between listening to someone else's opinion and feeling that you can’t trust your own without it.

You can listen to someone and still decide differently. You can make a choice and accept that you might not get everything right. And you can change your mind because you want to, rather than because someone else has made you doubt yourself.

That doesn't mean you'll suddenly stop questioning yourself. I know it isn't that simple. But you might start noticing how often you look outside yourself for an answer you already have some sense of.

And next time you catch yourself asking everyone what they think, perhaps there's another question worth asking:

What did I think before I asked them?

You don't have to know the answer straight away. It might just be a place to start.

If this feels familiar

If you often find yourself second-guessing your decisions, looking for reassurance, or putting other people's opinions before your own, you might be wondering why it feels so difficult to trust yourself. It's something we can explore in counselling.

If you’d like to find out more about working with me, get in touch. We can have a chat about what’s been going on for you and whether I might be the right person to help.